I awoke this morning to what some would call a lovely winter dawn. The sun was rising on a new day, glistening across the pure white snow. The trees were reminiscent of country themed Christmas cards, each bough supporting just enough snow to truly advertise winters arrival. *@ I said as I gazed across the winter wonderland that lay sprawled before me.
WHAT DID YOU SAY, my gentle, soft spoken wife crooned in a tone and level that drowned out the airhorn from the passing freight train, with it's diesel locomotive, passing through at the end of the yard. Upon regaining what little bit of hearing I had to start with, I rephrased my answer to a sentiment better in tune with the beauty and grace of the winter spectacle, not to mention my wife's expectations of my language.
Her sweet jovial mood restored, my wife then offered a gentle, vocal, insight to her thoughts. Hurry up and get the trash out there to the bin and get that frickin door closed before we freeze to death ya idiot she swooned. Touched by her lovely choice of words and the bottom of her foot, I found my self drawn, or rather "propelled" to the winter spectacle of my back yard at a great rate of speed.
As I strolled across my porch at a pace best described as a blur, I was suddenly aware of Newtons laws of physics, stating that "a body in motion tends to stay in motion. The body in motion being my 275 lb. fat flabby self. Atoms in a collider seldom achieve the velocity that I had going, so it became imperative to me that I had about 2 seconds to enact an opposing force to counter Newton's law. Physics never being a strong subject for me, I soon discovered the viscosity of smooth soled boots on solid ice is probably akin to teflon or in layperson terms "slicker than cow snot".
With my feet looking, I'm sure, like Wile E. Coyote as he engages the roadrunner in chase, I soon had the feeling that I had about the same odds of avoiding catastrophe as he does of catchin that $%&* bird. With my feet at full throttle and my forward motion defying all attempts of control, I started devising newspaper headlines in my mind. "Fat man found frozen, buried in trash, ice and snow". "World record quad axel spin performed by worlds fattest amateur figure skater". Etc.
Faster than a bass can glean a Rapala Shad Rap, my feet were in the general area that my nose had previously occupied. This astute observation could have been off by a few millimeters due to low visibility caused by flying trash, porch furniture and a nosy dog who, by the way, was cured of this ailment . The resounding "THUD" signaled the crescendo of my athletic prowess and brought fourth the attention of my wife and a phone call from the local university's seismic department. Although I was touched by the fact that they were both so concerned, I feel that it was ridiculous to assume that a Boeing 747 had crashed nose first in my back yard. Then again who am I to argue with a richter scale.
Upon getting to my feet and surveying the damage, I too momentarily wondered if in cosmic coincidence a 747 crash had not simultaneously occurred with my own one point landing. I mused over the thought that one of the bombs dropped on Japan was named "Fat Man' and doubted that it's damage was any the worse than my own.
At this time my loving wife appeared to survey the damage and check on my general state of well being. I could tell she was worried about me being hurt by the sympathy in her voice when she said "Now look what you've done you clumsy oaf". Consoled by her tenderness and compassion, I set about retrieving and bagging all errant trash and righting the furniture and calling the dog out from under the porch. I did this in a fashion of expediency required to avoid freezing off a certain part of my anatomy that is of particular use when sitting is required.
All things restored I bid farewell to my wife by blowing a kiss into a slammed door and resumed my trek across the beautiful pristine winter wonderland known as my back yard. #@&* I said as I headed to the trash bin. WHAT DID YOU SAY? I heard from behind.
I think I shall wait till spring to emerge into the great outdoors again where I will be free from so much beauty and wonderment.